According To His Purpose

Since Nicola and I got together it has always been in our minds to have children, as I suppose is the case with most couples, though when we were 18 we had a plan. The plan went something like; get married, get good jobs, buy a sports car each, go on two holidays a year for five years, then, when tens of thousands have been put aside in a savings account, start a family.

But life, we discovered, isn’t quite like that and despite plenty of ups, we’ve never achieved anything close to financial stability. We do, however, have a wonderful and gracious God who has not only looked after us at all times, but provided us with family and friends who we love and have shared some incredible times with, as well as getting pretty much everything we need.

The news we were given at Nicola’s first baby scan hasn’t changed our opinion on, or love for, the God who blessed us with our first pregnancy then helped us deal with losing it.

About three months ago we discovered that Nicola was pregnant, a result we’d been hoping for after realising we’d never reach the kind of stability we used to believe common for people in their twenties. Besides, God told us to start a family so who were we to refuse, especially as we wanted one anyway?

Three weeks ago Nicola experienced what seemed a minor complication while out shopping, but was advised to go to casualty nonetheless. It was discovered that she had an infection and, as a precautionary measure, she was sent for an early scan the following day. She was eleven weeks pregnant and due her first scan shortly, so it seemed a sensible thing to do.

We both went to the hospital the next morning with a sense of excitement, expecting to meet our baby for the first time, mostly brushing aside the previous day's incident as a not too unusual thing to happen. After waiting a while, and dealing with a sickening smell coming from a nearby toilet, we went into a small room with two nurses for the scan. I sat next to the bed Nicola was on and watched the screen as scan was taking place, most of the time trying to figure out what I was supposed to be seeing. Because I didn’t know what to expect, and the nurse scanning the baby was quite straight faced throughout, I just sat there waiting for her to show us which of the dark shapes on the screen was the baby.

After a few minutes she stopped looking a the screen and turned to us. Very calmly, she explained that the baby had stopped developing at about seven weeks old and had died. At that moment everything fell apart. The nurse fixed her eyes on Nicola, having just broke her heart, and the other nurse, who was stood up next to the bed, turned to look at me with a sympathetic gaze. I glanced past her and turned to look at Nicola as she began to cry, and the nurses both left the room to let us take in what had just happened.

As I stood up and held Nicola in my arms crying, a moment I’ll never forget, she said one word to me: “Why?”

From the excitement of looking forward to meeting our baby for the first time that morning, we suddenly realised we wouldn’t see it until the day we meet in Heaven. And that was where our comfort came from.

Sympathy and offers of help have come pouring in since that day, and it has reminded us of the amazing family and circle of friends we have. What has impacted me most is the love our friends have shown towards us, giving us space but offering support in a genuine and non-melodramatic way. We moved in with my parents for the two weeks following the miscarriage, just to go into a different environment and be around family through the worst of it, and it’s been helpful.

To be honest, the hardest thing for me to deal with was seeing Nicola so upset. There were days when it seemed she thought she’d never feel happy again, but that’s how grief works. You grieve because you can’t deal with the pain inside and can’t see the day it will end. I’m certain Nicola never once felt hopeless, always knowing the love and comfort of God, but there are flashes of despair when the enemy truly robs someone of their hope, even though God restores it in an instant. Nicola is far, far stronger than she thinks she is, and this will add to that.

I don’t want this to descend into pity or unnecessary sorrow, because God is good and he’ll restore everything to us and more in perfect time, but I needed to write it. God has been amazing and I know that our relationship with him has grown stronger over the last few weeks at a time when we could have let it become distant.

Nicola will be pregnant again soon, and we’re determined to handle it no differently when she is. As soon as we know, everyone else will, because God is faithful and ‘in all things works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.’ (Romans 8:28)