Beard Science Trilogy Pt.1

Over the years man has undertaken some seemingly insurmountable challenges. A few years ago someone wearing a monocle probably looked to the sky one evening and said to his associate at the men's club, "you know old chap, I think one day our boys will fly to that glorious bright crated globe up there in some sort of flying vessel and land on it."

Of course, his gentlemanly acquaintance, Cyril, will have spluttered out his brandy in uncontrollable horror, aghast at such a proclamation of unattainable fantasy, before branding his former friend a witch and sentencing him to forty lashes. But, as we now know, Cynical Cyril would have been proved very wrong.

Similarly, ten million years ago when God's human prototypes, monkeys, ruled the Earth (obviously), if one of them had shrilled to the other, "hey, you mark my words, in a few million years we'll be able to talk quietly and walk upright," he would have been beaten to death with his banana.

Yet here I am. Plus, if I get 999 of my friends together we'll eventually be able to write some Shakespeare. But those things are nothing compared to a man's greatest test, a test I'm about to undertake; growing a beard.

I've tried to grow a beard a few times before, and each time I've failed before I hit the two week mark due to uncontrollable itching and the recurring realisation that someone in my family was ginger. I've got nothing against strawberry blonde at all, but I fail to understand where this ginger facial growth, in stark contrast to my hair, comes from.

Regardless, this time I'm determined. I was at my friend's baby dedication soiree last week when the topic of conversation turned to beards and my friend, Heidi, jokingly suggested I should grow one. My curiosity coupled with an interest in undertaking an extreme challenge prompted me to take up the bushy gauntlet.

Then a few days ago it dawned on me that I didn't have to do it alone, so I decided to share my experience with the world by keeping a public journal of life with a beard. I'm calling it my Brilliantly Excellent Accessible Regular Diary, or BEARD. So keep checking for updates over the next six weeks or so, because after that I'll probably get rid of it to avoid upsetting my wife too much, and to avoid having spare change thrown at me by passers by.

I had my final shave on Monday, a proper thorough one which harnessed the full power of my Mach3 Nitro, prior to letting the scratching commence. It'll be an arduous journey, but I'm chasing the dream and nobody said it would be easy. All the most noble and distinguished men in the world have beards, men like Abraham Lincoln, ZZ Top, and Giant Haystacks, so the way I see it at least if I'm judged by my cover I'll be considered wise and honourable.

Ok then, here I go. I'm away to buy some sandals and some light brown socks.